In today's fast-paced world, parents often resort to quick praises like "Good job!" or "That was great!" to encourage their children. While these phrases may seem positive and harmless, they are rooted in subjective judgments or evaluations. Extensive research indicates that evaluation-based praise can negatively impact children's self-esteem and have long-term detrimental effects that extend into adulthood. This blog post will delve into the negative consequences of evaluation-based praise and highlight the importance of fostering internal validation over external approval.
The Problem with Evaluation-Based Praise
Evaluation-based praise, such as "Good job," "You could do better," or "That was great," provides children with an external measure of their worth and achievements. This type of feedback focuses on the outcome rather than the process, leading children to seek validation from others rather than developing their intrinsic motivation and self-worth.
1. Undermining Self-Esteem:
Children who frequently receive evaluation-based praise may develop a fragile sense of self-esteem. Their self-worth becomes contingent on the approval and judgments of others, making them more susceptible to feelings of inadequacy and failure when they do not receive positive feedback, make a mistake, fail at something or “mess up”. A study published in the Journal of Experimental Child Psychology found that children who received more person-praise (e.g., "You're so smart") exhibited lower self-esteem and higher levels of shame when faced with challenges compared to those who received process-praise or effort-based prasie (e.g., "You worked really hard").
Not only that, but when a child is person-praised for something, one of things that subconsciously shows up for many children, is all the times they aren’t meeting that standard. For example, when I was a child I struggled with self-image. So, when someone commented “You’re so beautiful,” my mind immediately went to thoughts like “Yeah right! Nuh-unh. You should see me in morning. Yuck.”
For a child who is told something like “You’re so smart,” or “You’re the best at math,” their subconscious (or even conscious mind) might come up with something like “Uh, you don’t know that I failed the math quiz last week… That wasn’t so smart…”
But, I can say as an adult who has experienced the impact of certain kinds of praise, when someone uses “descriptive praise” with me (more on that in a moment) I’m more inclined to agree with them. For example, when my husband says “I like your hair when it’s bouncy like that…” In my head I go “Yeah, me too!”
2. External Validation Over Internal Fulfillment:
When children are praised based on evaluations, they learn to prioritize external validation over their internal experiences and feelings. This can lead to a lifetime of seeking approval from others and neglecting their own needs and desires. They may become overly focused on pleasing others and meeting societal expectations, often at the expense of their happiness and well-being. And, since we live in a highly-digital world, using person-praise is exacerbated by social-media, chatgroups/apps, and similar digital experiences as kids (and adults alike) seek the dopamine-release (a neurochemical the body produces when it experiences a “reward” of some type) that comes with external approval. “Dopamine is the hormone of more, not the hormone of ‘enough’.” (Dr. Mindy Pelz) This means that this external validation seeking is even more prevalent now than ever before with our kids literally having it at their fingertips! This is why, as parents, it’s our job to set them up for success in life and give them the tools they need to grow empowered – and this does not come from consistently seeking external approval and validation….
Long-Term Negative Impacts
1. People-Pleasing and Perfectionism:
Children conditioned to seek external validation are more likely to become people-pleasers and perfectionists in adulthood. They may constantly strive to meet the expectations of others, fearing criticism and rejection. This can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and burnout. According to a study by the American Psychological Association, individuals with high levels of perfectionism are at a greater risk of mental health issues, including depression and anxiety .
2. Sibling Rivalry and Competition:
Evaluation-based praise can foster unhealthy competition among siblings. When one child is frequently praised for their achievements, other siblings may feel neglected or undervalued. This can lead to rivalry, resentment, and strained sibling relationships. Over time, this competitive dynamic can carry into adulthood, affecting their ability to form cooperative and supportive relationships. It can result in the experience of rejection if a person doesn’t receive the same type of (evaluation-based) praise as another person – for example, let’s say at work, when a supervisor praises two colleagues. Rejection when not “checked”, can result in negative behaviours between people and strained relationships.
3. Poor Decision-Making and Peer Pressure:
Children who rely on external validation may struggle with decision-making and be more prone to succumbing to peer pressure. They may make poor choices to fit in or gain approval, even if those choices go against their values or well-being. Research published in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence found that adolescents with low self-esteem and high need for approval were more likely to engage in risky behaviors influenced by their peers .
4. Dysfunction in Adult Romantic Relationships:
In adulthood, the need for external validation can lead to dysfunctional romantic relationships. Although it may seem far-fetched to skeptics, I want to assure you that research over the last thirty years indicates how our childhood experiences directly influence the quality of our adult intimate relationships. Individuals may prioritize their partner's needs and desires over their own, leading to codependency and dissatisfaction. They may also struggle with setting boundaries and asserting themselves, further exacerbating relationship issues in aim to seek t heir partner’s approval or validation. Perfectionist tendencies that remain from childhood also negatively impact relationship dynamics when a partner doesn’t meet particular standards or expectations, resulting in negative dynamics and/or resentment. A study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships highlighted that individuals with low self-esteem are more likely to experience relationship conflict and dissatisfaction due to their heightened need for approval and fear of rejection.
Moving Away from Evaluation-Based Praise
To mitigate the negative impacts of evaluation-based praise, parents and caregivers can adopt alternative approaches that emphasize internal validation and personal growth. One of the key points of communication outlined in some of the below examples are rooted in starting praise with “I” versus “you.”
I like to think of moving towards three kinds of praise primarily:
Descriptive Praise
Effort / Process based Praise
Appreciation based Praise
Descriptive Praise: is what it seems – describing what you see/hear/experience. For instance, instead of saying "Good job!" you might say, "I noticed the bright colors you chose for your drawing. I think you paid attention to detail here.”
Effort / Process based Praise: focuses on acknowledging and reinforcing the work, strategies, and perseverance a child demonstrates, rather than simply the outcome or result of their actions, or their level of performance. This type of praise highlights the child's effort and the process they went through to achieve something, encouraging a growth mindset and fostering resilience. For example, instead of saying, "You're so smart," a parent might say, "I noticed you tried different ways to solve that problem until you found the one that worked." By emphasizing effort and strategies, children learn to value their dedication and problem-solving skills, understand that their abilities can improve with practice, and become more motivated to tackle challenges. This approach helps them build confidence in their own capabilities and reduces their dependence on external validation.
Appreciation-based Praise: This to me, is the easiest and most “fool-proof” way to praise kids because it meets one of the CORE human needs we all have: the need for appreciation. And so when I was re-learning how to praise my own kids, this is the one I leaned on the most because it flowed so easily for me to say things like “I appreciate the effort you put into this,” or “I appreciate how you helped your brother with cleaning up his room,” or “I appreciate how you focused on eating your dinner in the time we had.”
Let’s elaborate on these strategies:
Focus on Effort and Process:
Instead of praising the outcome, acknowledge the effort and process. For example, say, "I saw how much effort you put into project" or "I noticed how persistent you were with your piano practice." This type of feedback encourages children to value their effort and perseverance, supporting a growth mindset.
Encourage Self-Reflection:
Help children connect with their own experiences and feelings. Ask open-ended questions like, "How do you feel about it?" or "What did you learn from this experience?" This promotes self-awareness and helps children develop an internal sense of accomplishment. More concrete examples:
a. A child brings home a test-score; a test-score is an evaluation based on how a specific teacher marks the test. Ask the child how they feel about the test. “How did you feel when you were writing the test? How do you feel now?”
b. A child misses the game-winning soccer goal: “I saw how you really tried during the soccer game. How are you feeling about it?”
c. A child practices deep-sea diving or other sport for the first time, instead of saying “Good job on your first dive,” we might ask “Wow, it was so exciting for me to watch that. What was it like to diving into the ocean like that?”
Validate Emotions: (And your child might possibly come up with their own resolutions to a challenge they are facing…)
Acknowledge and validate your child's emotions without judgment. For instance, say, "It's okay to feel disappointed" or "I understand that you're upset." This helps children feel understood and accepted, reducing their reliance on external validation for emotional support. It’s crucial that we don’t need to “fix” our child’s emotional experience. When parents attempt to fix their child’s emotions, or redirect them away from it, we reduce opportunities for resilience. One of the keys of resilience is to know we can experience “hard” things (like tough and big emotions) and get through them. And thus, if we are in a rush to change/fix the emotion, we are communicating to the child that their feelings are “unsafe,” and we need to change them (this is a much bigger discussion as to how a feeling can be “unsafe” to someone… for another blog post one day…).
Let’s use the soccer example from above:
Parent: “I saw how you really tried during the soccer game. How are you feeling about it?”
Child: “It sucked. I can’t believe I blew it. I had a chance to win the game and I let the whole team down.”
Parent (uses an empathy guess as to what the child might be feeling): “Hmm. That must feel upsetting.”
Child: “Yeah. It is. (Sigh.) But I know it’s just one game. So, I’ll work harder during practice on taking shots.”
Parent: “Gotcha.” (Simple acknowledgement; the parent doesn’t need to evaluate, solve the problem for the child, or offer feedback at this time… could be brought up later if there is something productive a parent has to offer…)
4. Model Self-Compassion:
Demonstrate self-compassion and self-acceptance in your behavior. Children learn by observing their parents, so showing kindness to yourself and prioritizing your well-being sets a positive example for them to follow. For example, if you forgot your car keys inside the house for umpteenth time (like I do…) instead of beating yourself up like “Ugh! I’m an idiot. I forgot my keys inside AGAIN,” narrate what happened and offer yourself a simple acknowledgement of self-compassion: “Oops, I forgot my car keys inside again. It’s okay. I’ll go get it.”
Conclusion
Evaluation-based praise, while seemingly positive, can have detrimental effects on children's self-esteem and long-term well-being. Emphasizing effort, encouraging self-reflection, offering appreciation, describing what you see/experience as a parent, validating emotions, and modeling self-compassion are key strategies in fostering a healthy, internally driven sense of self in children. As research continues to highlight the negative impacts of evaluation-based praise, it is crucial for parents and caregivers to adopt more constructive and supportive approaches to nurturing their children's growth and development.
If you liked this article, you'll really like working with Ashley one-on-one in a Parent Coaching environment. If you're ready to become a CONSCIOUS, CONFIDENT AND EMPOWERED FAMILY LEADER, visit the Parent Coaching Page and Book a Free Consult, or email ashley@ashleyanjlienkumar.net
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References:
1. Brummelman, E., Thomaes, S., Orobio de Castro, B., Overbeek, G., & Bushman, B. J. (2014). "That's not just beautiful—that's incredibly beautiful!": The adverse impact of inflated praise on children with low self-esteem. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 121, 46-52.
2. American Psychological Association. (2014). The rise of perfectionism: A growing problem for young people.
3. Prinstein, M. J., & La Greca, A. M. (2004). Peer crowd affiliation and internalizing distress in children: A longitudinal follow-back study. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 33(4), 259-270.
4. Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (2000). Self-esteem and the quest for felt security: How perceived regard regulates attachment processes. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 17(5), 631-656.
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