Parenting, Emotional Connection, Communication

Why "How was your day" Won't Cut It

Specificity in Conversation As Your Child Heads Into the Pre-Teen Years Will be Critical for Healthy Disclosure in the Teenage Years.

Plus Using the "Rose, Thorn, Bud" Check-In to Truly Hear Your Child

We ask it on autopilot: “How was your day?” Our child shrugs, says “Good” or “Fine,” and wanders off. Conversation over. But beneath that one-word answer are struggles, thoughts, and feelings we might not get to see—unless we learn to ask differently.

"My child won't tell me anything. I don't know how to help her..." a new parent in our online community recently said in a message to me.

"She won't tell me how to help her...." another parent said.

As our kids grow, their willingness and ability for disclosure of what's going on for them depends on our approach with them.

Why “How Was Your Day?” Closes Doors Instead of Opening Them

When we ask children a big, vague question like “How was your day?”, or evaluative question like "Did you have a good day at school?" we’re actually making it harder for them to disclose their lived experiences. Their day was full of tiny moments—play, confusion, embarrassment, pride, hurt feelings, excitement. Compressing all of that into one neat answer is overwhelming, especially for younger kids who are still learning the language of emotions and reflection.

Mentally organizing an answer that fits the question turns into “Good.” “It was fine.” “I don’t know.” It’s not that they don’t have anything to share. It’s that they may need help with the words. Their struggles, thoughts, and feelings remain hidden until you get specific—until you gently narrow the focus.

One study stated that "start-of-conversation open-ended questions were positively associated with children’s correct emotion labeling, whereas start-of-conversation yes/no questions were negatively associated."(1) This means if you propose a yes/no or evaluative question to your kids, you're less likely to tap into their emotional experience. But being able to tap into their mental-emotional world is critical as they grow because disclosure normally declines and secrecy rises across adolescence, so families enter the teen years needing relational habits that can survive growing autonomy and privacy needs. Emotional disclosure serves support-seeking and emotion-regulation functions, and disclosure to parents is linked to fewer psychological problems and better mental health. (2)

💡 Tip: Instead of “How was your day?”, try “What's one thing that made you smile today?”

The Power of Specific Questions: Getting Into Your Child’s World

Children live in a rich inner world—full of imagination, worry, curiosity, and small victories. When we ask specific questions, we send a powerful message: I care about what it feels like to be you. We’re not just living life in a set of logistical happenings; we’re stepping into their emotional landscape in age-appropriate ways. That’s where real connection happens.

• Instead of “How was school?”, ask “Who did you play with at recess today?”

• Instead of “Did you have a good day?”, ask “Was there anything that felt tricky or frustrating?”

• Instead of “What did you learn?”, ask “What’s one thing that surprised you today?”

These questions lower the bar. Your child doesn’t have to summarize an entire day; they just have to remember one moment. And over time, these small, specific invitations teach them that their inner world—what they felt, feared, loved, and wondered about—matters to you.

Rose, Thorn, Bud: A Simple Check-In That Changes Everything

One of the most practical tools for these deeper conversations is the “Rose, Thorn, Bud” check-in. It’s simple enough for preschoolers and still meaningful for teens—and even adults. As The Confidence Coach for Kids and Parents, I often recommend it as a daily or bedtime ritual because it naturally invites both the good and the hard parts of the day into the conversation.

• Rose: what went well, what was fun or enjoyable, what was their favorite thing that day (joy, pride, connection)

• Thorn: the hardest or most uncomfortable part (disappointment, hurt, frustration)

• Bud: something they’re looking forward to or curious about (hope, anticipation, possibility)

By asking for a rose, a thorn, and a bud, you’re gently guiding your child to scan their day for specific experiences and specific feelings. You’re saying, “I want to know when you felt happy. You're safe enough to tell me what hurt. And I care about what you’re hoping for next.” This structure helps children organize their thoughts and gives them language for their inner world.

One caveat to the thorn for parents who tend to fall into fixing, correcting, or over-functioning patterns is this: just be with it. Let the thorn exist.

When we immediately jump into fixing, problem-solving, correcting, or finding solutions for our child, we can unintentionally communicate that their difficult experience is something that needs to be fixed, solved, or made to go away. Over time, this can make it harder for a child to simply experience and express what they're feeling without anticipating a parent's reaction. This will reduce their willingness to share and disclose information as they grow...

Many times, kids aren't asking us to solve the thorn. They're asking us to hold the experience with them — to provide a container of safety while they let out their frustration, disappointment, embarrassment, anger, or hurt.

And remember: children are impacted by their parents' emotional responses. If a parent becomes visibly anxious about the child's thorn, the child may interpret that response as a cue that their experience itself is a problem — or even that they're doing something wrong by having it.

So before we ask, “How do we fix this?” we can first ask, “Can I simply be with my child in this?”

Sometimes the most regulating response isn't a solution. It's a calm nervous system beside theirs saying, “I'm here. You don't have to make this okay for me. Tell me about it.”

Of course, if the issue is a safety issue, take a moment to regulate yourself and create a plan away from your child at a later time to address the situation.

Simple rituals like Rose, Thorn, Bud turn daily check-ins into meaningful emotional habits.

Gottman’s Relationship Research: Check-Ins as Bids for Connection

Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman talks about something called bids for connection—those small moments when one person reaches out emotionally and hopes the other will respond. A child saying “Look at this!” or “Guess what happened today?” is making a bid. So is a parent asking, “What was your rose today?” and then really listening to the answer.

When you regularly use check-ins like Rose, Thorn, Bud, you’re making a consistent bid for connection. You’re showing care and interest not just in your child’s behavior, but in their inner life. Over time, these small, daily bids build a sense of safety: My parent is here. My feelings matter. I can bring them my best and my worst.

📌 Key Takeaway: Each check-in is like a tiny deposit in your child’s emotional bank account.

A True Story: The Preschool Teacher No One Knew About

Consider this true story, shared with me by a mom we’ll call Emma. When her daughter, Lily, was in preschool, Emma did what most loving parents do. Every afternoon, she’d buckle Lily into her car seat and ask, “How was your day?” Lily would say, “Good,” maybe mention a snack or a craft, and that was that. Emma felt reassured. No news is good news, right?

Fast forward four years. Lily is now in early elementary school. One evening, while they’re making dinner together, Emma (the mom) casually happens to mention the preschool teacher Ms. K by chance. Lily responds, “Oh, Ms. K. Yeah, she wasn't very kind to me.” Emma freezes for a moment, her face confused. She gently asks what Lily means. Lily repeats herself, while Emma feels flabbergasted by this revelation years later. Slowly, little memories spill out—times when the teacher spoke sharply, ignored her when she was upset, or made her feel small in front of other kids. Nothing dramatic enough to make headlines, but enough to leave a quiet bruise on a little girl’s sense of safety and worth.

The mom was shocked that she hadn’t known for so many years. All those days of “How was your day?” and “Did you have fun?” had never uncovered this part of Lily’s experience. Not because Emma didn’t care, but because her questions didn't quite reach into Lily’s emotional world. The struggles, thoughts, and feelings stayed tucked away until Lily was older and happened to find the words on her own, years later, in a random moment.

Emma told us, “I wish I’d known to ask different questions back then. I would have wanted to stand beside her through that, not find out years later.” Her story is a tender reminder: our question choices matter. They can be the difference between a child silently carrying something hard alone and a child sharing it with a caring adult who can help them make sense of it.

Getting Into Your Child’s World in Appropriate, Respectful Ways

Being curious about your child’s inner world doesn’t mean interrogating them or demanding every detail. It means creating a gentle, predictable space where sharing is invited but never forced. We “get into our child’s world” in appropriate ways when we:

• Ask open, specific questions instead of yes/no ones (“What was a thorn today?” rather than “Was everything okay?”)

• Respect their pace—if they say “I don’t know,” we can say, “That’s okay. If you remember later, I’d love to hear.”

• Share our own rose, thorn, and bud, modeling emotional honesty without oversharing adult burdens.

• Respond with calm and empathy, not panic or instant problem-solving, when they share something hard.

When we do this, we’re not prying; we’re building trust. Your joys, your fears, your questions—they’re all welcome here.” That message, repeated over hundreds of small check-ins, becomes a key part of the foundation of a strong parent–child relationship.

We won’t catch everything—and we can’t protect our children from every thorn—but we can become the safe place where they bring those thorns to be seen and soothed. That starts with the questions we choose, the attention we give, and the bids for connection we make, day after day.

Sincerely,

Ashley Anjlien Kumar

The Confidence Coach for Kids & Parents

Sources:

1) Broadbent, F. M., & Reschke, P. (2026). How to Start a Conversation? A 5-Year Longitudinal Investigation of the Effect of Parent Question Type on Children’s Early Emotion Labeling.International Journal of Behavioral Development. https://doi.org/10.1177/01650254261458749

2) Nowell, C., Pfeifer, J. H., Enticott, P., Silk, T., & Vijayakumar, N. (2022). Value of Self-Disclosure to Parents and Peers During Adolescence..Journal of research on adolescence : the official journal of the Society for Research on Adolescence. https://doi.org/10.1111/jora.12803